|Honestly, she's my second favorite character right now.|
We all have those close friends we like talking to, that make us laugh, make us smile, and just have a good time with. I have a few of them, but I’m not gonna name any names… One of them, which I talk to on Skype, hurt me and she didn’t know it until I made it as clear as I possibly could… Before I show the conversation bit, some spirits are mentioned, if you’ve read about my empathy and how I see spirits and such then you’d know what I’m talking about.
Friend: Hell, she could kick both you and Vlad's ass.
Friend: She's been around longer than this world has been alive... Probably longer than the whole universe.
Friend: She'd tear your ass a new one.
Me: Shut the fuck up about that. Now. THAT just killed the fucking romantic mood I was trying to set with Joelle.
Friend: The hell? How did THAT kill the mood? I'm not fucking around with you, dude. Besides, I highly doubt she'd even bother trying to kick both your asses, I was just trying to be funny, guess it didn't work. But I was serious about her being WAY older than this world, maybe even longer than the universe.
Me: Do you not realize how seriously I take the spirit stuff, and how when you try to be funny with it, it only pisses me off?
Friend: >_> Take a fucking chill pill, bro. I wasn't trying to be literal. That had sarcasm written all over it. Surprised you couldn't tell.
Me: Yeah, I can't tell sarcasm through text.
Friend: You couldn't sense the large amount of sarcasm just POURING out of what I said? Wow, dude.
Me: With you, sarcasm's not easy to read. Most of the time, I just hear a sort of monotone thing until you use emphasis like caps.
Friend: Wow, Jeff... That's so cruel...
Me: Not even trying to be mean, I can't always get emotion or tone from text.
Friend: Dude, that was sarcasm! XD
Friend: What? I'm obviously in a sarcastic mood, so I'm not about to automatically switch to being serious.
Me: It's that kinda FUCKING BULLSHIT that tortured me as a kid, and people always fucking amde fun of me for it!!
Friend: Take. A. Fucking. Chill. Pill.
1. When have I EVER done that to you?
2. We've known eachother for awhile now, hell, we've even been in a similar situation before. When have I EVER hurt you with sarcasm and made fun of you for shit? I'M ALWAYS LIKE THIS! When I get into a sarcastic mood, I'm just making sarcastic fucking jokes! DON'T TAKE IT SO FUCKING SERIOUSLY WHEN ALL I'M TRYING TO DO IS LIGHTEN THE MOOD AND SHIT!
3. I'm fucking done. Have a nice fucking night with your girlfriend.
Me: 1. It doesn't matter who does it, it just brings that hell back...
2. Some subjects are too close to home for me to joke about all the time... Shit cuts deep...
Friend: I am not in a good mood anymore, Jeff. So, I am done. Let's just drop the fucking subject. Like I said before, have a nice fucking night with your girl.
She can’t exactly read me, or if she can, not as well as others, so I don’t think she knew just how bad it hurt, how bad it fucking angered me… When I was a kid, I was laughed at and mocked so many fucking times… It hurt so fucking much, and her being sarcastic like that brought that FUCKING HELL back………
I was laughed at because I cried a lot, made fun of for because of that, because of so many other fucking reasons… That’s one reason why I hate looking at pictures of myself before I was even 10, why I honestly hate thinking about the past at all… It reminds me of the hell I went through… Of all the bad shit I’ve gone through and can never forget as much as I want to… Some people might suggest to just embrace the past, but that’s not me, I’m an angry guy that hates the past, and remembers everything that I hate so damn clearly. That’s that.
I’ve calmed a bit since that happened, though… And, I asked my current girlfriend, Joelle, to read me, as well as she could. We can read each other pretty good, but she can read me better. Not that good for my comfort, but I know her enough and trust her enough she wouldn’t read me unless I asked, or unless she felt absolutely necessary. What she read at first was dead on. Here’s what she said… And, I’m editing out the name of my friend again.
“You're frustrated, angry, and upset with what your friend said to you. It's the most recent thing, so it's the thing I get the strongest. You're angry because she's taking it so lightly and joking about something she shouldn't be joking about. We're a family and you don't like that even jokingly, she'd say something like that about you and Vlad. You're protective of him and any threats that come to both him and yourself just like he is with you. They're like our guardian spirits in nature, but by our relationships with them they are far greater than that - they're family. That's where it upset and frustrated you. They're family, and she's jokingly threatening family without seeing her wrongdoing (which frustrated you and upset you) and by being so calm about doing it, it upsets you even more because it is something you take so seriously. But you're also angry because in a sense, she's practically challenging you.
When she said "I highly doubt she'd even bother trying to kick both your asses", it angered you even more because it made your friend sound as though she was telling you her girlfriend's spirit wouldn't bother because you wouldn't be a challenge. Instinctively, that angers the aggressive and angry part of you which hates the fact someone would talk about you like that. Even if she said it jokingly as she did, it angers you because it's as though she herself is saying you're weak by comparison. The darker part of you... well, no one likes to be thought of as 'weak'.”
Yeah, that was dead on, but missing the hate for the past. She could sense it but didn’t know what it was until I showed her the unedited conversation.
*takes a deep breath and sighs* Yeah… I just hope my friend realizes what not to do now because of what happened… Not to make jokes or take the spiritual stuff lightly…
That’s all for now, so until next time… Or, rather, that was all, until Joelle told me the most meaningful thing… It definitely helped…
“I love you, all of you. Not just for you as you are now, but for all your forms, all the spirits surrounding you, everything you will become, and everything you once were. My love for you runs deeper than words can express, Jeff. But I want you to really listen in to what I'm saying, even if it may hurt you slightly.
What happened to you in the past, it was horrible. No one, and I mean this, no one should EVER have to go through that. Bullying, name-calling, the feelings of being alone and different in the eyes of everyone around you... no one deserves that. I know all too well the pains of dealing with bullies, how hard it is to block out their words even when you try your hardest and how much harder it is to try and 'pretend' like they don't hurt you when deep-down you know they have. But you know one thing all those people in your past never took into consideration? Who you really are.
They said what they said, did what they did because they were miserable about something with themselves. What they never thought about was how they hurt you, how much pain they caused. Despite all the anger, all the darkness you shroud yourself in, you are hurt by the things which happened in your past. It fuels who you are now, but at the same time it still pains you. It's something you've never really talked about because honestly, deep, deep down... it still hurts. I don't care what they said about you, they never got to know you like I have.
Jeff, you are the most honest, passionate, and one of the most loving people I have ever met. I've said it in the past, but now I'm saying it again. I love you, really hear me when I say it. I love you. All of you. Present, past, and future... I'm not here for you only when times are good, but when you need someone to turn to, whether it be because you just need someone to listen or because you just need to let it all out - you have me, you always will have me. I can't fix the past, but I will make sure you never have to go through anything like that again.”
That definitely helped cheer me up. It’s just undeniably sweet, and really personal. My friend, from what I remember, told me she was home schooled all her life. She wouldn’t know the bullshit people go through in public schools. But, it’s a hellhole. Or, that’s what my experience was… I’m going to actually say every horrible moment about my past that comes to mind. It won’t be that long, but it’ll all be said and out there.
The first thing, the very first thing, is why I hate horror. When I was three years old, I was just playing, being a kid, being watched by my 7-year-older-than-me brother and 6-year-older-than-me sister and… One of their friends. I think that girl was one of their friends, I’m not sure. I remember her clearly, but don’t know who the hell she was… Anyway, the next door neighbor, or that’s what I remember him being, I was never really sure about that, dressed up as Ghost Face from Scream 3. He chased me with a fucking knife, not sure if it was real or fake, but probably real, and it scared me shitless. To this fucking day I need light when I leave my room ‘cause I get darkness/horror movie paranoia. Hell, sometimes I’m even scared to go to the bathroom at 3 in the morning, and that’s still to this day.
Now, for the bullying when I wasn’t even 10 yet… God, this is going to be hard… I was a crier, I cried a lot, and I was always made fun of for it. And I had low pain tolerance from what I remember, so that didn’t help at all. Hell, to this day, I’m not that tolerant to pain, but I’m a little more so than I once was. Then, there was the whole bathroom accident issue that I was never good with. That made things three times worse. Hell, even when I went to actual grades, it wasn’t easy for me. From the other shit I remember, the black kids, the ignorant black kids were the fucking worst out of all of them. Especially one little shit, Lamar… I’m not gonna go any deeper than that. Not trying to offend anyone, that’s just how it was when I was growing up.
That’s what hurt me in elementary school, at least in this shitty town of Hurlock. When I moved to Salisbury when I was around 10… Yeah, didn’t exactly get better. Some asshole, Tyree, he didn’t make shit any easier at my new school. I didn’t do a damn thing to him, yet, he tripped me, made me hit my knee on the hard tile floor, hurt like hell and I cried from it. That’s the only really bad thing I remember from the move, nothing that personally hurts deep, at least, until high school.
High school wasn’t too bad for the most part, at least at first. Really, the main problem was I didn’t wear deodorant. Honestly, I didn’t give a shit. Hell, in 10th grade, I stopped giving a shit about school, about people, about teachers. I had no fucking interest. I just wanted to get the fuck out, away from everyone and go home. For a while, I did that, just left on my own, walked back home. Scared the shit out of my mom and pissed her off, but ultimately, school just wasn’t for me. I doubt it still is. So, I was finally completely pulled out until I moved back to Hurlock. Needless to say, when I was back in school, it was okay at first but still wasn’t for me. I just hate people that much, and being surrounded by people from my past sure as fuck didn’t help. Remembering the names and faces of those that have tortured me so fucking much…
THAT is the end of me venting out. This is really the end of this post, so until next time.
Note: Everyone on my friend's list on here are people I watch.|
Welcome to my profile, which has some stories and pics and such I've made. For anyone who reads my stories, please note this: I give descriptions of one of the main character's looks with a simple action for an intro. Why? Because I fucking hate it when how the character looks is a fucking mystery! But, I only detail the important characters, I don't really bother with secondaries or extras. I don't have my stories edited until after they're finished. If I notice typos or mistakes are pointed out to me before it's done, I fix those, but my general grammar stays until the story's done. For anyone who knows me, you know I'm one for blunt, uncensored content. I don't think shit should be censored, and I fucking hate it when people try to tell me what the fuck to write. I mean seriously, if you don't like it, don't fucking read it. I'm not looking for popularity, I'm looking for people actually enjoying the stories. If you don't enjoy my blunt, uncut language and sexual content, then my stories aren't for you. Yeah, I don't read that many books, the most I read is text on my computer screen, which is usually YouTube comments, Facebook stuff, and roleplay text. My English isn't that good, but in truth, whose fucking is? Seriously. For anyone continuing to read after this, first off, WOW! Second off, yeah, I'm petty much a blunt person/writer. Writing's a hobby of mine, much like roleplaying. I find it fun, and like it when people enjoy my work. Sometimes I take comments and reviews into consideration, other times I don't give a fuck. It's nice when people like my work, I know I'm gonna get hate for some of the shit I write, but I don't fucking care. Okay, thank you for your time to read my entire profile.